A letter to my nemesis.

Dear Monday,

You have laughed in my face for the last time today. I'm going to bed. Please be gone when I wake up in the morning. I hate you.

Thanks.

Sometimes it comes down to the eyeliner.

It took almost three hours to get to work today, and over two hours to get home. Entrance ramps, exit ramps, and streets were closed due to rainmaggedon. Lights were out in every city I navigated my way through due to flooding. And when I finally got to work (late for the second day in a row); I spent the entire time training a smelly guy who wasn't interested in learning. All the while wondering what I ever did to deserve this. After all that, I had to search far and wide for something other than my amazing son to be grateful for on this day.

Today I am thankful for a boss who felt so bad for me that she let me leave work early. And for my eyeliner, which looked great all day and well into the night until I finally washed it off.

It's not much, but I'll take it. Somedays it's the small victories that matter. Go me.

Poetry Problems

NaPoWriMo 2013 was a fail. Being sick since the beginning of last month and bedridden over the weekend put me so far behind that I won't be able to catch up. But I'm going to stick with it the rest of the month and crank out as many poems as I can.

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 3

That moment when it all comes together perfectly always alludes me
It's out of my reach
But I can see it
Dangling in the distance
Like a carrot
And I'm the rabbit
Racing the tortoise
I suppose that means I lose in the end
But I wouldn't want to win
That wouldn't serve a real purpose
Because lessons learned come all too easy when the price of redemption is more than I'm willing to pay
Determined to defy destiny
I'll face my fears to cross the finish line at my own pace

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 2: Once

Where there were once endless possibilities
Now lie the remnants
Of what used to be
There once was you
There once was me
And all the things between us
The distance
The dividends
Didn't mean a thing
Now we can't seem to find a rhythm
Or a reason to be

For every special moment
A regret has taken its place
Once you were a warrior
Who would have fought to the death
For me
Now all that's left of what we were
Is the space between the words
That go unsaid
To remind us
Of what could have been
Had we taken the time to find our happy ending

NaPoWriMo 2013 Day 1

A burial at sea
By way of being airborne
In a plastic cup
And crashing hard on city streets
Faltering to gravel
To dirt
And the screeching halt of tires
Still nothing could save you
Not pointless circles
Not moving in reverse
Not saltwater tears
A cruel joke life plays on you
The moment you think
It will all be ok
You gave your life
To save another
And you'll always be special to me

The bittersweet task of moving.

This is going to be an extremely busy week for team Go Bail (that's what the Mister and I call our little family). We're steady packing and trying to get everything ready for our move this weekend. With only a week's notice prior to moving, it has been quite the cluster of events to get the process started. And I find myself excited and worried at the same time. It's a bittersweet process, I suppose. But moving always leaves me in a state of mental disarray.

While I'm happy to be moving out of the duplex and into a single family home, I'm sad that it's not in an ideal location. However it does push us harder to move into a home of our own, instead of continuing to rent from others. As a lifelong commitment-phobe, the thought of owning a house really stresses me out. But knowing I am paying someone else almost double what I would pay for my own home leaves me feeling like an idiot.

The hardest part is knowing that this is JR's first home. He rolled over and took his first steps in our current living room. His nursery has been my favorite place in the home for the 19 months he has been on this earth. And I worked hard to make it perfect. I'm sure he won't miss it at all. He won't really know the difference. But his nursery is currently adjacent to our room with a door separating us. In the new home he will officially have his own room. This is better or him because he is currently outgrowing his nursery, but as his mom I'm going to miss being close enough to wake up in the middle of the night and listen to the sound of him breathing.

I have pictures. And I'll always hold the memories we made in that house dear to my heart, but I wish that we had made plans to buy a home sooner. I'm hopeful that when we move again in two years, it will be to a home that JR can call his own and remember fondly. Until then, we can only work towards moving forward.

Nothing like failing to make a person feel like a failure.

When people tell me that their biggest fear is failure, I always laugh. If your biggest fear is failing, then you aren't taking enough risks. Failure is a necessity. It keeps us grounded. It keeps us human. To succeed is a blessing. But too fail. That's a blessing in disguise.

Yesterday I tried my hand at full time employee and full time mom, and I learned two things. One: that it would be impossible for me to be a stay-at-home mom who is also a work-at-home mom successfully with a toddler. Jonathan requires too much attention. That's one of the things I love about him being this age. It's always "look at me, look at me" and I always want to look. But when the day job that puts food on the table and a rough over our heads requires me to look away, it breaks my heart. And two: that I haven't failed in a while. Yesterday I failed. And it was big.

Taking care of a sick kid while dealing with the demands of at least 20 people left me feeling tired, worthless, and alone. I sunk into a temporary depression that only sleep could cure. And I woke up feeling better, but knowing I had failed at every task that was thrown at me yesterday.

Today, with Jonathan still sick and unable to go to school, I will try my hand at this again. But today I will succeed. Maybe I won't be able to give 100% to each task. Maybe the day won't go as I planned. But I'll succeed because I won't let it get me down. I will do the best that I can with whatever the day throws at me. At this point, that's all I can ask.

Moms don't get time off for snow days.

Working from home when you're taking care of a kid isn't easy. We were supposed to get a huge snowstorm overnight, but as Mother Nature often changes her mind, the course of the storm has been delayed.

The last snowstorm resulted in me missing four hours of work; in order to pick up Jonathan when his school decided to close early. Rather than taking that chance again, I decided to keep him home with me. A decision that I am now regretting. Jonathan is at the age where he requires a lot of attention. He craves it. And I want to be able to give it to him. But trying to keep an eye on all the employees that I have to babysit and trying to babysit my own son, leaves me giving my full attention to no one. And makes me look like a bad mom and a bad employee. If this storm never arrives, I will look like an idiot to my boss and co-workers. And if Jonathan's school ends up staying open all day, I will have been unproductive without reason.

I'm thankful to have the option to work from home on days like today. But I don't want to jeopardize my job for being seen as someone who takes advantage. It's a no-win situation. The option to be a full time employee and a full time mom is virtually nonexistent. And as the bread-winner for this family I have an obligation to succeed at both.

The Whitney English Day Designer... Worth the wait?

I am a big fan of day planners. I have used many different variations over the years, but never found one that quite fit my needs. Until now. The Whitney English Day Designer is amazing.

When I came across this planner I had already purchased my planner for the year. But I was in love. I kept holding out for a sign that I should purchase this planner. After all, I already had a planner for 2013 and while the cost of the Day Designer was comparable to other planners (when taking into consideration all that it offers), the cost of shipping was not. $12 for standard shipping made me a little hesitant. I'm used to free shipping on orders over $50 and in some cases orders over $25. Or at least express shipping when paying more than $6 for shipping on one item.

But last Tuesday I could no longer make excuses on not buying the planner. I got the sign I had been waiting on. In limited quantities, it was available in hot pink and white stripes (it normally comes in sleek black and white stripes). I was sold. I ordered it that minute from the Whitney English Etsy website and waited patiently for my order to ship. And waited. And waited.

Finally, a week after placing my order I received an email that my order had shipped. Then there was more waiting because It was another two days before it arrived. And yes, it was worth the wait. But worth the wait and the shipping cost? I'm not entirely sure yet.

While I have only had the Day Designer in my hands for about 12 hours now, I am already extremely happy with it. As a mom with a full time job, freelance projects, an active social life, and three different schedules to keep track of, this planner is already helping me feel less stressed and more in control.

Perhaps I'm dwelling on this shipping issue too much, but we live in a world of instant gratification. And I expect the most for money. That includes prompt shipping, unless otherwise noted. The Whitney English Etsy Shop did not note that shipping times were longer than normal (other than a note that seemed to be leftover from the holidays). Nor did it state how long it takes to ship an item. And for all I know, a week is standard for this shop. But this was my first experience with them. So I guess I just assumed that my item would be shipped within a day or two of receiving payment. And I was disappointed when that didn't happen.

I'm not going to let this effect whether or not I purchase another one for 2014, but if I experience the same issue, I might start shopping around for another place to buy my yearly planner. As I said, I am very happy with the planner itself so far. And I cannot wait to use it to its full potential. I will post more within the next few days on the functionality and features that the Day Designer has to offer. I'm very excited to share this organizational tool with others who have a need for this type of product.

Is it too late for new beginnings?

My dear blog. How I have neglected you. It has been one of my goals for some time now to write more. And to get back to posting on here. I miss having the kind of time on my hands where I can focus on myself, even if only for a small amount of time. But I am stretched so thin these days. Between work, home, family, Jonathan, Lola and now a fish added to the mix, there is so little time to think of myself.

One of my many goals for 2013 is to get back to writing on a regular basis. To take part in NaPoWriMo next month and to post some or all of the poetry, prose, thoughts, ideas here.

Tomorrow is March 1st. Seems as good a day as any other to start over. 😉